As time went on, I dreamed about Anna less. A part of me liked that I didn't dream about her so much because those dreams often left me missing her so much more. But another part of me hated that I didn't dream about her as much because at least when I did I was seeing her.
I dreamed about her again last night, and I woke feeling so sad this morning. I dreamed I was looking for something important and I knew I needed to go and be with her but couldn't seem to resolve the situation I was in (whatever it was). I kept wondering if the people she was with (at a hospital of some sort) were caring for her like they should. I wondered if they were carrying her when she was tired and sitting with her to keep her company. I was anxious in my dream. I knew I needed to be with her, but I couldn't seem to get there.
When I finally did get to her, I had thoughts of stealing her away from the hospital, but I was too fearful because I didn't want to harm her. I was just with her, walking with her, talking to her and holding her. She seemed peaceful but sort of sad. I don't remember her smiling like she normally did and after I woke up that visual made me immensely sad.
I woke up missing her so much.
I've been feeling a bit inadequate - doing too much to manage everything well. Sometimes I feel like I'm not giving my children enough attention and I carry such a tremendous amount of guilt over that. I think those thoughts might have carried over into my dreams.
When Anna died, one of my biggest struggles was feeling I'd failed her - that I simply let her go and that she still needed me. I know that's far from the truth. I know she's cared for better now than she's ever been. I know that God took her and that it had nothing to do with me failing her in anyway, but somehow those thoughts creep back in when I'm sleeping and have no power to defend myself.
I woke up so sad and couldn't talk about my dream without crying, but eventually I was able to communicate my heart with my two oldest and I kind of came out of it. I'm so glad I'm not sad anymore on a daily basis. In fact, I'm happy most of the time. Having moments like that is kind of sweet because it's a reminder of how much I look forward to being with Anna again. My sweet Anna who dwells happily in heaven with her Lord.
I also think that God is reminding me to focus my days on him and my kids. I get distracted so easily. Just like in my dream, something I was looking for was keeping me from getting to Anna - I think the little chores of life take me away from what I know should be my priority - my kids.
So, it was a sad morning, but I believe the day ended well. I learned a lot through my dream last night.
I know this is a bit jumbled, but I'm too tired tonight to smooth it out. Thanks for listening.
And for those of you who saw my note on Facebook or Twitter and prayed for me... thank you.
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38 comments:
Oh Lynnette, I am so sad/happy for you. What is that??? I grieve with you and want to give you a big hug, but I rejoice with you in that God brought you through yet another deep water. We love you over here, so much.
Kathy
Dear Aunt Lynnette,
Reading about your story always leaves me feeling a bit sad inside, but it is always inspiring to me also, that you are full of hope. HOPE is evident in your writing and it picks me up just when I get to the point in reading your story that I think is too sad to keep reading...
A big hug to you.
Josh
BTW, I heard that I won the giveaway?! Because I have been out of town since Sunday night, I have not been up to date on the blog-world happenings =) So, I need to do some looking around to figure out what is going on and get my bearings!
Love you so much!
I don't know that sadness. I can't imagine having held someone to have to let her go like that. Our only child was too tiny to really know her when we lost her. That has been hard, but to know a child, her smile, her laugh, the silly things she says, & then have to say goodbye feels like "just too much." And there is no fixing it.
I'm so glad you've folks with you that you can share that with & who can help comfort you.
Sending you hugs. :)
I love what Kathy wrote - oh sweet friend I feel the sorrow with you and yet rejoice at knowing God's grace is sufficient and His love is enough!
Hugs and know that I love you - praying over you too!
Praising God He wants to teach you even more wonderful things about Him!
Jill
Oh, Lynnette, what a beautiful post. Josh is so right--there is so much HOPE in your blog; and faith. I am so encouraged and touched by what you share.
Love you & Blessings,
Hannah
Lynnette,
My dear sweet friend (hopefully I'll meet one day in real life)..
My breaks & rejoices with you over this dream. I continuously pray for you as you & your family.
Thank you for sharing with your online family.
Many blessings,
Allison
Oh Lynnette...my heart aches for you but rejoices that you WILL see your sweet Anna again one day. Until then, remember God has a plan and a purpose for you here. I love you, dear friend!
I'm so sorry you lost her for THIS life but so proud of you for magnifying her life through your writing. Because of your book, so many more people 'know' her and the mission of her short life has blessed many, many others.
that is so sad - i read about it on twitter and i thought - "i don't know how i would handle all that without God". very true - you would not be where you are without HIM and HIS PERFECT LOVE, STRENGTH, and PLAN for YOU. The way is hard, but who said it would be easy for anybody? i love you all!!
hugs! and you WILL see your lovely anna again... in heaven where there is no more crying, no more sorrow, no more pain! isn't that a wonderful thought?
praying!!
A beautiful heart you have. Learning through the healing grace and mercy
Gods favor over you to cover you.
Peace be with you
Lynnette,
I'm sorry for your pain, and I'm so glad that you are dancing again. :-) Your eternal perspective is a great encouragement.
Love,
Angela
I can't even begin to imagine how dreams like that feel. This I know..."And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." I know you rejoice in this promise.
I've always been quite sensitive to my dreams. I think it would be nice to dream about my two babies in Heaven but I didn't get the chance to know them to really pray about them. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. The humility and vulnerability are to gifts I'm sure you are passing on to your children. It is sweet that you shared your dream with your children. That really impresses me.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm so sorry for your pain and sadness. You are an amazing woman!
Love,
Kelly
I did see your twitter... I understand that sadness. After Jason died, we would all share different dreams that we had and they all seemed so real. praying for you!
I'm so sorry, Lynnette, that you are missing Anna and that your dream made you sad. I'm glad you felt better by the end of the day.
I woke up this morning and after being up for a few minutes, I realized my dream had my Mom in it. I am always unsettled by that because we never talk, it's just like she's there. I can see her, but in my dreams, it's like I forgot how much I've missed her so I don't run to her and hug or try and catch up. I just act like she's always been around. And then when I wake up, I feel sad that I didn't hug or talk to her.
In my dream, I had a small baby. Wonder what that means? LOL!!
I'm so sorry friend! How sweet it is to have mature kids that will listen to such "tough" stuff!
Mama's have a heavy load. Don't let satan tell you you're failing!
He wants to keep you overwhelmed and frustrated!
Praying for you .....and your sleep to be sweet and sound!
BIG HUGS, girl!
Many (((hugs))) for you my dear friend.Dreams can be bittersweet...but even though they are I love dreaming about Emily.
Treasure those dreams, dear blog friend. Our Jessica would be 24 yrs old now & haven't dreamt about her (that I remember) for so long.
I'm sure you were glad just to have 'been w/Anna.' That's a blessing in itsself.
Blessings from Ohio...Kim<><
Precious one,
Jesus gave you those emotions to express your deepest feelings. Let them flow, and don't feel guilty when they do flow and when they don't! Anna is a part of the family and always will be, so rejoice in her life always.
Love you,
Lisa
I hope I'm not stepping out of line writing this...
I just want to let you know that my heart ached for you after reading that post. Anna seems to have been a BEAUTIFUL little girl. Such a gift she was- IS- to you.
I'm praying for you, that you will feel God's arms around you- the same arms that are around sweet Anna.
Your heart is so precious, Lynette. I am so sorry for your pain; and for how much you miss that precious baby girl. Of course, you know it, but you NEVER failed your child. And you are not failing your children now. But you are right... we are not enough for our children. Your truthful post today reminds me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself when I am not fully enough for them. He is enough. I will fall short.
Even so...Sigh.
Lynnette,
Thank you for writing this. So much of what you wrote ministers to my heart today. I, too, feel the Lord speaking to my heart to spend more focused time with my children and with Him...not to miss it all while they are here. I have had some intense dreams since my mom went home to heaven. They often leave me with a heavy sadness...and do not bring peace or resolution. Since I know my mother accepted Jesus as her Savior, I try to cling to the truth of His promises for her...and not the unsettling feeling from the dreams. Her suffering was so great and her passing so traumatic, I think there are just some things that my heart still wrestles with...even as God's sufficient grace covers and carries me. And, I just miss her so much.
I am so glad you were able to talk with your children and find some peace after the dream. You have a beautiful relationship with your sweet family. That, as you know, is a beautiful blessing.
Praying His continued comfort and peace...and rejoicing for the hope and joy that overflows from you to bless so many of us.
Love to you...
I've only had one dream of Carleigh and while she was going to die too she actually was alive and in my arms so that made me happy. Sending hugs your way! ♥
Thank you for sharing your beautiful post. Your faith is an inpiration to me.
I have been thinking of what's iimportant lately as well. My day to day life needs a little tweaking to make sure *kids* are top notch important! Thanks for the reminder!
I'm sorry that you are hurting and I thank you for sharing this beautiful post. Life is hard but God is so Good and I'm so thankful for all my blessings. My children are my life. I miss my 2 in heaven but I know that one day soon , I will see them again.
So glad I know Jesus !!!
Caroline
I have not had a visual dream of Lukas in a while but I feel like I've dreamt of him when I wake up. Does that make sense? I daydream with him constantly. Missing our angels.
Hi Lynette. I too have had dreams about Tim and when I wake up, like you, I remember my feelings and the details of the dreams. I know they are from God. I had two very specific ones in between the time he passed and his memorial service and I had a third one the night before the first Super Bowl that he missed. In my "book", I too have shared these very specific dreams and the explanation. They are all crazy yet when I explain why and what things symbolize, its makes perfect sense. My counselor was amazed that when I shared with him, he just sat back and listened because I knew what the meaning were. And I understand that feeling of sadness, yet also, it is so good to see our loved ones in our dreams. You just want to go back to sleep and hug them and smell there hair...you know.. Thanks for sharing your heart as usual. Coleene
Lynnette~Thank you for being so candid. Your ability to speak so honestly about your hurt and longing really touched me today. Blessings to you!
I'm so sorry the dream you had of Anna was so sad. It is a blessing to me that you can still find the positive when you are missing her so much.
I had a dream about Wyatt the other night... my first dream of him ever... It was a beautiful dream but left me aching to hold him when I woke up. I couldn't seem to focus on anything besides how much I missed him. Dreaming of him put me in a weird place for a couple of days.
Thank you for posting and being so honest with your feelings. I hope the next time I have a dream of Wyatt, I can focus more on the big picture as you did after you dreamed of your sweet Anna.
Blessings,
Danielle
I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Cling to God. Hold tight to His leg. He loves you so very much and He is comforting you.
Hi there. You don't know me, but I happened across your daughters blog to "make a fresh start" so to sey and clicked on your blog.
I too am a grieving mommy.
After 8 years of being told we'd never conceive, God blessed us with our little miracle child Jackson Jeffrey. After a series of domino effects from an accident, I lost my mucus plug and delivered him at 22 weeks. We spent 25 precious moments with him and he too went to be with Jesus and is running through the garden with your children.
Can you imagine the Bible stories their learning from Jesus? How bout the people they're spending time with who we admire from Gods word?
I understand your pain. The hopes and dreams we have for our children and learning to walk forward as they LIVE in heaven waiting for US. It's not easy is it? But I too find comfort in our Lords presence and have that need to focus on Him and the present right now. On those days, I just imagine Jesus taking me and pulling me up because I just can't do it alone.
May you take comfort in Him who gives us strength, find renewal and healing as He takes hold of us and leads us on our new journey. May He hear our hearts cry and fill us and May He guard our hearts and minds till we hold our babies once again. I imagine heaven is quite a beautiful place. A place with no tears or illness...what a lovely place we'll have eternity to spend with ALL our children.
Just right now, we must walk and find the JOY even in the midst of our sorrows. It's there.
Dear friend, your older children sound like such wonderful spirits. What a blessing they must be in your heartache. I'm sure your all leaning on one another during this time. It creates a bond that no one but the Lord can understand.
Blessings and Prayers,
My sweet daughter...I know what it is like to dream about Anna. My last time was when we were on vacation in Branson and I felt her sweet arms around my neck and she gave me kisses. When I woke up I felt like I had truly been with her. I told your dad about the dream and the whole day I was in a tearful state because of the bittersweet dream. Happy to have had the dream and felt those wonderful feelings of being with her...but sad that it was over so quickly and the reality of not being able to be with her in this life....so honey my heart goes out to you...her precious mommy. I know it is so very hard for you.
But God's grace is so sufficient and I have seen how He has carried you through these 6 years since Anna went to be with Jesus. He will continue to carry you Lynnette and He will never let you down.
YOU are such a wonderful mommy to your kids and they love you very much...and so do I.
Hugs and prayers,
Mom
Sweet Lynnette, thank for sharing your precious heart with us. It ministers volumes, trust me!
Praying for you today. You have got to be one of the most precious souls I have met in blogworld, praising God for you, friend, praising God!
"I think the little chores of life take me away from what I know should be my priority - my kids."
Thank you for this reminder, it feels meant for me. I don't have your experiences, but I tend to get anxious about so much, and I needed to hear this this morning. Thank you for sharing from the heart.
Look at all the people you minister to while being so real. Hope--your sweet nephew stated it best. Thank you for sharing your heart. Bessings!
Lynette,
Your words touched a tender place in my heart today. Just this morning my youngest son Samuel asked his dad and I, "Are you going to be home when I get home from school?" It hurt me when he said that because we have been running around like chickens with our heads cut off lately, leaving the children feeling neglected.
Tonight we will be hanging out ALL Day together and evening. I think I'm going to make some cookies for when they walk in the door from school, and movie night is on the schedule...long cuddles with all of them.
Thank you for this post friend. I look forward to hugging your precious Annie in Heaven too.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your feelings. As I was looking through your blog at your profile and other posts, I just started crying. Not because of the ones you lost but because of what you have overcome. You are definitely a child of God and he has given you peace with many things...I hope one day to be filled with that same peace in my life. I struggle sometimes with many things and try to worry less and leave all things in God's hands. You are an example of His wonderful works in people's lives and an inspiration to many. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
Melissa
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